I am 23 years old. I am married. I have a 3 year old daughter and (as of tomorrow) a 10 month old son. I live on my own with them in Washington.
I am getting divorced. I am running home to my mom's house with my children. I am moving to California.
I tell everyone that asks that I am fine.... Everyone that says "I am so sorry" that it isn't their fault... I say that I'm tired and haven't been sleeping well.
I can't sleep because I'm wondering how my life will turn out in the next few years. How will I be able to provide for my children with no job or education to fall back on? I can't eat because I am disgusted with the way I have handled things thus far in my marriage. I am hurting. I can't even begin to explain the anxious burning feeling I have whenever I think about it. I am heartbroken. I gave my life to this man, I placed my trust in him and the first chance he gets he broke that trust.
I do not love my husband, I fell out of love with him quite some time ago, I just settled for what I thought was what "I deserved". In actuality, I deserve much better then that. I am heartbroken because I failed. That is my absolute biggest fear. I am forcing myself to live through it. I don't ever let on how much something really bothers me because I'd rather not burden anyone with my issues. I understand full well that the final death sentence to my marriage was on no part mine. I still feel responsible.
I want to sit and cry... I want to stay in bed all day... I want to give up entirely.
But, I cannot. For I have to precious little beings that depend on me to provide them with anything they need or want. If it weren't for my babies I would have gone completely crazy by now. I still struggle through each day... wondering what the next day will hold and how I'll get through it.
For now I sit up straight, with a smile on my face and say "I'm good, yeah, I'm fine." because that is much easier to force out then the truth. I'm falling apart from my soul on out.
